ARE YOU READY FOR THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON of The Bachelor EVER?!?!?!?!
“An unbelievable journey like you’ve never seen before…” ~Chris Harrison
How many plane ride dates do you think we’ll get this season? Should we all place a wager?
Also, maybe don’t read this if you’re easily offended…
First impressions of this season so far
Can we let the freaking windmill thing go already?!? If I have to hear about the 4 times in a windmill or whatever ONE MORE TIME, I might explode.
Also, I feel like Hannah Brown should not have shared that they did it 4 TIMES in the windmill. I understand and appreciate her willingness to be open, BUT it wasn’t just about her. Maybe she should have considered protecting Peter’s privacy in that whole thing too. Although the way his parents cheered about the 4 times was pretty freaking great.
Is it just me, or do the women seem even more fake, vapid (got that word from The House Bunny movie), dumb, cry-baby-ish than ever before?
My mom coined the term “Bitch Baby” a couple of months ago (for a situation unrelated to The Bachelor). Bitch Baby is a term used for someone who whines and complains about everything and throws a tantrum in the way that a small child would.
So there you have it. Bitch Baby. I can’t help but feel like we’re going to see a lot of Bitch Baby Behavior this season.
HELLO TA-TAS
Did Peter have some requirement that the women on his season all have big fake boobs or what? As a previous owner of fake boobs myself, I find it easy to spot them.
Barely having any boobs myself, present day, I do like to admire a nice pair (in a heterosexual kind of way), but C’MON.
Pete is 28, and the average age of all of the women is like 12, so that’s gonna be a problem.
(Ok, so the average is actually 25.2 years old, but whatever.) All I know is that statistics show that the larger the age gap, the less likely the couple is to work out in the long run.
Watching a 23 year old cry over “never finding love” is something I just can’t handle anymore. You’re not old enough to get married anyway. Please don’t.
Opening Scene Season Teasers
Mom sobbing hysterically, “Don’t let her go. Bring her back to us.” A little melodramatic.
Sunrise and Pete is climbing into his plane with the music playing like this is some Tom Cruise/Top Gun/Mission Impossible kinda shit.
Peter may be The Bachelor, but he’s not some kind of war hero. Let’s save that for our men and women in uniform.
Although, the way this show works out, maybe it really is Mission Impossible haha.
Ok, I am also laughing my ass off at the scenes of him walking through the airport in his pilot uniform. He’s totally walking around in the pre-security/check-in area. Probably rolled up with the camera crews…”Ok, now you’re gonna wear this captain’s uniform and walk around for a little bit.”
Random Girl From This Season Who I Don’t Know Her Name Yet: “We could honestly be the greatest love story of all time.”
Ok…
The Footage of the Ladies in their hometowns
The scene where the esthetician is waxing the lady…another LMAO moment. So fake. Also, I’m confused as to whether she’s actually a “caregiver” or if her definition of “caregiver” is waxing vajajays?
It’s an important job, and I appreciate the people who do it, but a caregiver is a bit of a stretch.
Hannah Ann…a 23 year old model from the south…so original… (Typical “Hannah Godwin” cast type.) “But ultimately, I’m just a normal girl.”
Right.
I like Tammy, the House Flipper/Wrestler. She’s got hustle. She does seem original. Probably won’t make it far.
Victoria P (blonde nurse) is crying already before even meeting him!!?? Oh boy. The producers love tears, so this one has potential.
Kelley (with an “ey”): Lawyer. Super protective brothers. I’m sensing some foreshadowing of a very dramatic hometown date. Also met Peter before. Very convenient. Lots of drama potential with this one.
Madison: High school basketball player. Probably aggressive. Peter will like that. Seems cute and nice, but kinda young. She’ll be around for a bit.
Maurissa: I can relate to her story about being influenced by the comments other people make about your body, and I feel for her. I know how that can mess you up until you learn to love yourself. I have to wonder though, did she really “find her confidence” or did she find a plastic surgeon’s office? I was once in her shoes, and I confused finding the plastic surgeon’s office with finding my confidence too. I’m not trying to pick on her. Just a thought. I think she still has a ways to go on her self-love journey just like I did.
The Limo Entrances
Why is the driveway always wet!?!?! I know they water it down on purpose, but it just bugs the shit out of me.
While talking to Chris Harrison, Peter did not necessarily say he was over Hannah. He said, “I’m ready to put that behind me.” Interesting.
Alayah: “My grandma wrote you a letter.” Yeah. Right. “I have no idea what is says.” RIGHT.
Sydney: “Not every girl from ‘Bama makes bad decisions.” Burn. Her dress is pretty freaking great though.
Hannah Ann (Southern Model): (I’m sorry, but I just DON’T like her.) “Hopefully, you can save room for another Hannah in your heart.”
OK LET’S JUST KEEP BRINGING UP HIS MOST RECENT EX LADIES. GREAT STRATEGY.
Sarah: He spins her around and she giggles a lot.
Lauren: “Someone close to me once said, ‘If it scares you, do it.” Finally a woman with some sense. She probably won’t be around long. Love the jumpsuit though.
Cry Baby Nurse (Victoria P.): Seems really calculated and rehearsed. I mean, I would definitely rehearse too, but I don’t get a genuine vibe from her. They do a happy dance. I’m cringing.
Meanwhile, the women are in the house talking about how “Peter looks like a doll” and “He literally is a doll.” Kinda weird.
Mykenna (Fashion Blogger): She just “checks him over.” Like for fashion? Was she sizing him up? I’m confused.
Maurissa (plastic surgeon girl): Dear Sweet Maurissa. You are too pure for this show. They do a little pinky promise to stay true to themselves.
Kelsey (Professional Clothier…ok, what is that?!?! Does she pick out clothes for people?): Brings up Hannah Brown.
Eunice (Flight Attendant w/Angel Wings): Peter says, “Wait, you’re a flight attendant?!?! No way!” C’mon Peter. You didn’t think that half of this seasons would be filled with flight attendants? He also says, “I’m looking for my co-pilot.” Should I start a tally?
Jade: Also a flight attendant.
Megan: Also a flight attendant. I appreciate the costume though. She really went for it.
Madison (basketball girl): Shows up running in her dress and heels with a giant paper airplane around her. Props.
Tammy (House Flipper/Wrestler): “They told me their was a large package in front of the mansion.” Heck yes girl. Sounds like something I would say hahaha.
Shiann: Comes in hot with the barf bag for all of the “nauseating conversations he’s about to have tonight.”
Courtney: “I’m going for the mile high club. I’m in it to win it.” Was she riding some kind of tricycle in the form of an airplane. It was too dark to see, so I’m not 100% sure. I don’t see her making it past night one. Sorry girl.
Kiarra: Rollin up to The Bachelor Mansion with all her baggage. It’s just too perfect. Oh the memes they will make out of this one.
Chris Harrison honestly has the best gig ever. Chris, looking at the baggage, “That’s like some David Copperfield shit.” LMAO.
Meanwhile, all of the girls inside, “Genuine. Genuine. Genuinely.”
Lexi the redhead pulls up in a Little Red Corvette. Those are some serious subliminal messages she’s sending. “The ride, I said the ride is so smooth. You must be a limousine.”
Women Inside: “It’s like an OLD CAR!”
I just…can’t…
Deandra: Shows up with the windmill on her back. That takes some BDE if you know what I mean.
Payton: (Barely gets any screen time): FOUR TIMES. FOUR TIMES. Again…bringing up his past. Not the way I would go about starting, but ok.
Jasmine: Says, “I heard you did it four times in a windmill,” but she says it in a different language so it’s different. NOT.
Kylie: Shows up with like 25 condoms. Peter should probably hold onto those actually.
Katrina: “You’re gonna fall in love with my hairless…pussy…CAT! Her name is Jasmine.”
Random thought here, but mine doesn’t have a name. Is that normal? Do people give them names?
GIRL WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????
Victoria F (already sounds like a whiny valley girl): “I am LITERALLY shaking.” Goes on to say, “I have a very dry sense of humor, BUT that’s about the only thing.” *Pretends to be all sweet and cute in front of Peter, but is already acting like a different person when it’s just her in front of the cameras*
Don’t like her. Don’t trust her. It’s just a vibe.
“I don’t want to be Victoria F! That’s BULL.”
Nice segway to the girl who is walking in with an ACTUAL cow.
Emotional Support Cow Girl (Jenna): Don’t think she’ll be around long.
The cow’s name is Ashley P by the way.
“Here’s my cow. I’m going inside.”
Ok.
Remember the girl who gave Colton her DOG last year? Yeah, that was not ok. No way am I leaving my dog with The Bachelor. I don’t care who he is. Anyway…
Other girls in the house, “A pony! It’s a pony!”
C’mon Tammy. You were supposed to be the good one.
The other girls don’t understand that the emotional support cow was a joke. It takes a very long time to explain.
Savannah: Coming in with a blindfold. Kinky. I like it.
Goes in for the first kiss. Damn.
OH MY GOSH THERE IS ANOTHER LIMO. PLEASE NO. I CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE.
Kelley shows up. Lawyer Kelley with the two brothers. The one who met him at the hotel…MOTEL HOLIDAY INN. Ok, I’m done.
I feel like she’ll make it far, but probably not all the way.
Alexa (Esthetician)
Avonlea (Cattle Ranch Something). All I can think of is the Avon lady who used to live down the street who told my mom a story about how her cat’s penis was blocked with a kidney stone, and he couldn’t pee for a long time, and he had to get his penis cut off. It was a wild story. All I can think about it that cat full of pee getting ready to bust open.
Natasha (Event Planner). She’s going to be the Onyeka of this season. I’m calling it now.
THERE IS ANOTHER LIMO…AHHHHHH…..
“Is there 40 of us now!?!?!”
Math is not their strong suit.
IT’S HANNAH B! The producers are just trying to screw with both of them (Hannah and Peter).
Mykenna lets out a hyena scream.
“Is she competing?!?!”
“Is that legal?!?!!” Might be my favorite line of the night.
Hannah B is crying on the inside right now.
LOOK AT THE WAY THEY ARE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER. I’M SCREAMING (on the inside).
I’m thinking of the Notebook right now when Ryan Gosling is all like, “It wasn’t OVER. IT STILL ISN’T OVER.”
Peter is so SHOOK. He’s practically in tears telling the women about how Hannah just gave him back his wings.
One final thought: I’m pretty disappointed that no one made any cockpit jokes. My mom could do the writing for this show. She was all over those jokes.
The Cocktail Party
“Peter is so genuine”
“He looks like a dime” (say it in a whiny crybaby voice)
“You gotta risk it for the biscuit, and Peter is a ______ hot biscuit.” This girl is trashed, but I’m enjoying it.
“Buttery flaky!”
Everybody is a “hopeless romantic”
Maurissa has been single for four years. (Since she was 19. Gasp.)
Another windmill.
Drives around in the corvette.
The girls are just letting Hannah Ann take all the time in the world. Then they’re going to be pissed later that she had so much time.
The one girl doesn’t want to interrupt because, “People will think I’m that girl.”
BIG MISTAKE. HUGE. You can’t let how you perceive other people will perceive you get in the way of you living your life.
Hannah Ann and her dad painted this picture together. Is that normal? Do you guys paint things with your dads other than like the walls of your house?
It’s cute, but it also could be from Painting with a Twist. Just sayin.
“I was so nervous to give it to you…because it’s very personal.”
Am I missing something here? What is personal about it?
Hannah Ann gets the first real kiss. Blindfold kiss doesn’t count.
Well, now we’ve got Tammy with the handcuffs.
Blindfolds, handcuffs, large breasts…I’m sensing a theme with our man Peter here.
This guy is like Oprah with the kisses. “You get a kiss! And you get a kiss! Everybody gets a kiss!”
“There are some cats and some rats!” ~ Natasha after Mykenna steals Peter away on her second attempt.
Is this like that whole pigeon and seagull thing from BIP this summer?
Natasha swoops in with the giant airplane. “Fly away on it. Fly away on it. Fly away on it.” And I’m cringing.
Peter makes out with Mykenna as Natasha stands in the background and yells out, “Tick Tock.” I’m cringing even harder.
Natasha will be around for a while because she brings the drama.
Hannah Ann swoops in for a second round.
Shiann, you are also too pure for this show. Stop being a crybaby about Hannah Ann, and go grab some time with him!!!
So Shiann finally gets her time, and Hannah Ann swoops in again. Ok. I’m getting SO annoyed.
YOUR PAINTING IS A FAKE.
Ok, but Shiann, what good did you REALLY think was going to come from you confronting Hannah Ann about it?
On How I Met Your Mother, they would always say, “Nothing good happens after 2 am.” How much you wanna bet it’s after 2 am?
Hannah Ann (about stealing Peter so many times): “I was brave, and I was courageous and did something out of my element and went after what I wanted which I haven’t ever done before…”
YOU SIT ON A THRONE OF LIES.
The First Impression Rose
The girl on the little flight attendant speaker thingy yelling at Peter to come spend time with her is probably me if I were on this show…if I’m being completely honest haha.
Victoria F, I think it’s hilarious that he completely forgot about your little dry/wet one-liner. LMAO.
She reminds me of Ashley I…the one who recently married Jared…and who cried about EVERYTHING.
Crybaby Nurse interrupts them, and she exchanges fake compliments with Victoria F.
Victoria F goes off to the side and…shocker…cries.
Crybaby Nurse has never gotten flowers before. Well, join the club honey.
Victoria (crying): “There’s so many women, and they’re so pretty. They’re like SO pretty.”
Peter has not stopped thinking of Kell-ey since the night they met. Interesting.
Peter says, “How are you on the market? You’re stunning. You are just like the biggest sweetheart.”
I’m not crazy about any of the women at this point…BUT
My First Impression Rose Goes To…
Kelley with an ey.
Of course he gives the rose to Hannah Ann though. UGH.
If this were a football game, she’s had the most time with the ball so far, so it makes sense.
“I cannot believe I got the first impression rose.”
Please. You knew exactly what you were doing.
The Rose Ceremony
Crybaby Nurse gets the first rose. UGH.
“If I get a rose…I’m going to eat all of the cheese that I can eat.” ~ Tammy
I knew I liked her.
Well, we don’t have to worry about what a Professional Clothier is anymore because Kelsey (who!?!) is going home.
Maurissa will continue her four year streak of being single.
Flight attendant outfit girl goes home. Kind of a shame.
Drunk “Risk it for a biscuit” girl is going home too. She would have been entertaining. I feel like I would also be her if I were on the show.
Don’t worry Biscuit Girl. There’s a spot for you in Paradise, I’m sure.
“It’s like a ticking ticking ticking time bomb.” Seems a little excessive.
AND THAT’S ALL I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT.
The First Group Date
They must have needed some filler scenes because in some of the shots Peter has a baby face and in the other shots that they spliced together he has some scruff. I was going to call it a beard, but I don’t think it qualifies.
Chris Harrison (trying not to laugh), “He looked at you all yesterday, and what did he say? He said, ‘My wife is in this room.'” *Goes behind the scenes and laughs hysterically.*
Lots of big personalities going on this date.
*Reads date card*
“What does ‘Look up mean?'” You can’t make this stuff up…
Tammy wants to “Lick Peter up and down.”
The ACTUAL badass pilot women show up. Why doesn’t Peter date one of them?
Flight School
They’re asking the women to do basic math. This should be fun.
First problem is 3,000/500 = ?
6. The answer is 6.
Looks like they did ok.
Victoria F is scared.
Second question: How many feet are in a mile?
Answer: 5,280ft/mile
Jasmine confidently says that it’s 30,000. What is that based on? It doesn’t even make sense if she was thinking of the metric system either.
Female Pilot Instructors: “Are you going to space?”
LMAO.
Shiann didn’t even try.
Hannah Ann gets it (most likely because she’s sitting next to Peter and he told her).
It’s just sad how many of the women don’t know this.
Third Question: What is the definition of “flying dirty”?
“Thrust. Cockpit. Suck. Squeeze. Bang. Blow.” Is this really network television? haha
Next the ladies have to spin on an “Orbitron.” (according to Tammy)
CryBaby Nurse cried about “riding on the little teacup spinny thing” at the county fair, and she vomited and that was something that really scared her. Is this the best they could come up for a a traumatic story this season? She does a good job crying about it.
So I do feel a little bad for her now, although it may have been better if she kept her eyes open. Do they really have to air the sounds of her throwing up?
Peter brings her a bottle of water and checks up on her, and she says she’s never had anyone love and care for her that way. Either she’s really exaggerating or she has dated a bunch of scum bags. Either one is possible.
Real Pilots: “How come their flight suits look way cuter than ours?”
Is it because they’re stripper outfits? Just a thought.
Tammy vs Kelley on the obstacle course.
Kelley cheats and gets the plane ride with Peter.
Honestly, that was shitty Peter. You should have disqualified Kelley and gone with Tammy.
He was thinking with his pee pee.
Honest question, does Kelley have cheek implants? Is that a thing?
We know that one of the girls on the show is a virgin (from the teaser trailers), and I have a hunch that it might be Crybaby Nurse.
I’m starting to feel bad about calling her “Crybaby Nurse.” Victoria P. Her name is Victoria P.
Shiann gets gypped again, and Peter runs off with Kelley.
Peter is lightly touching her thigh. Oh boy. What exactly happened at this hotel when they met? I’m sensing that it was more than just chatting in the lobby…
SOMETHING HAPPENED BEFORE ON THAT BAR COUNTER.
Kelley gets the group rose. Is anyone surprised?
It does feel like this group date was really all about Kelley.
The First One-On-One
Madison (Four Time High School Basketball Champ) gets the one-on-one.
So was this whole vow renewal thing planned just for the show???? Was it planned before?
Also, how awkward for Madison to attend such an intimate family event…ON HER FIRST DATE WITH PETER.
Producers know how to push a connection/intimacy though.
Peter’s parents are seriously so cute.
Of course she catches the bouquet.
It was nice to hear her talk about how her dad makes her mom feel like she’s the most important person in the room. She also talked about how her parents choose each other every day. I think that’s a special nugget to tuck away.
Ok. I think I like Madison the best so far at this point.
Fireworks or Private Concert?
Ope. It’s a private concert.
If she doesn’t make it to the final two…things are gonna be awkward.
Second Group Date/Hannah Brown
“Name something more awkward than sex ed with your boyfriend.”
“Sex ed with your parents.”
Peter acting like he had a part in planning this date is comical.
Of course Hannah is here (I mean, I’m happy to see her), and we’re talking about windmills and sex.
I’m not sure that I would participate in this group date. The producers are really pushing it with this one.
Everybody keeps saying that Hannah and Peter have moved on, which makes me feel even more like neither Hannah nor Peter has moved on.
Yikes, this is tough. I get where Hannah is coming from. You’re in this high pressure situation where you’re dating all these people at once and you have to make decisions. There just isn’t enough time.
And judging from the past track record of couples on this show…they usually don’t make the right choice. They always end up picking the same way they’ve always picked partners in the past. They do what’s familiar and comfortable (and what doesn’t work out) instead of taking the risk.
I get where Peter is coming from too. Nobody deserves to be the second or third choice.
I do love the way that this show just forces people to talk about the tough shit though and say the things that we normally wouldn’t say. Like who talks about love and marriage and all this stuff on a first date? How often (early on in a relationship anyway) do people talk about their feelings for each other?
My Theories/Predictions
I never realized QUITE how ridiculous this show was until I sat down to write about it, but I still love it.
Hannah will not join the cast because she was on Dancing with the Stars while Peter’s season was filming. As long as they’re in LA, I feel like she may pop in from time to time, but we know that she wins DWTS. So she’s not gonna join this season. I think that is the right decision for her.
I feel like they may be purposely editing these women to look extra dumb on purpose. I think that in the end Pete is going to get back with Hannah Brown on the After the Final Rose show.
I’m not sure how I actually feel about this potential outcome. I get why he’s hesitant to get back with Hannah at this point. No one deserves to feel like the 2nd or 3rd choice.
I think that he needs to go through his process. If he goes all of the way through this with 30 women, and it’s still Hannah in the end, I’ll be happy for him. If they do get back together, I feel like that’s the only way it can properly happen.
Fun Fact: I tried out for The Bachelor…three times. Obviously, they didn’t want me, but I’m ok with that lol.
I’d be the girl who drinks too much on night one and does embarrassing stuff.
I wasn’t too excited last year when they announced Hannah Brown as the next Bachelorette. I thought it was going to be the most awkward and boring season yet.
I WAS SO WRONG. She may be the best Bachelorette we’ve ever had. Hands down.
Anyway, those are my thoughts while watching episode one and my thoughts on the season so far.
Let me know what you think! It’s my first time writing a blog post like this, so I’d love your feedback.
Thanks for bearing with me while I find my Bachelor writing groove 😉
